According to a survey conducted by Perspectus Global, the Plain Digestive biscuit placed 11th in the UK’s top 20 biscuits list. That’s barely halfway up the list. To rub salt into the wound, that’s only two places above Rich Tea biscuits– arguably the worst biscuit you could choose as your favourite.
Yeah, I said that, fight me. (Not that anyone would, mind you, I think we're all in agreement on that point)
Because this list is an utter disgrace to the biscuit community and Britain as a whole, I’ve decided to finally set things straight.
Now, enough preamble. Complaining about a top biscuit list won’t change the fact that people are being deluded. So, I present to you: The Uncontested Objectively Perfect Top 10 Biscuits* of All Time List (2022 Edition) to right this terrible insult to society.
*Including Jaffa Cakes, which aren’t biscuits, but are still here.
Before you start sending me a very angry message, let me explain. Chocolate Bourbons are good. Great, even. But I’ve found that over the years they are slowly dropping in my favourites list and I’m struggling to figure out why. They’re just not what they used to be.
If they were higher on this list, I would brag about them being the first biscuit eaten on the moon, but since they are so shockingly low, all I can say is a grand sorry to Chocolate Bourbon enthusiasts. Either way, I often compare them to Custard Creams. Very similar in construction, only they’re flavoured chocolate instead. I still enjoy them, but they’re just not quite the same. Sorry Bourbons.
The Oreo is a remarkable biscuit. It has an intriguing taste and is, overall, a great experience for eating. However, it is placed so low down on this list because over the years my love and adoration for them has waned. Long ago, they were once the number one biscuit, but look at them now. Look at how far they’ve fallen. There’s nothing particularly bad about them, it’s just that all of the biscuits above them are better in some way.
I will add, however, that Oreo flavoured products will always be my go-to. Oreo flavoured McFlurry? Yes please. Perhaps the Oreo was never destined to be a biscuit, but rather something else.
The Jammie Dodger is one of the greatest biscuits around. When I was younger, these biscuits were always my go-to biscuit. There’s just something about the biscuit and the combination with the delicious jam in the middle that cemented these biscuits as a favourite from an early age. If you had offered me, or anyone my age for that matter, a tin of biscuits and there was a Jammie dodger on offer, you could bet I would be reaching in for it. I imagine that I’m not the only one who felt this way either. Jammie Dodgers are the epitome of the childhood biscuit, second only to Party Rings. When eating these it feels almost as if you’ve been transported back to a simpler time, and you soon become oblivious to the world’s misery.
Ginger Nuts are often considered a bad biscuit (by naive fools). But really, this biscuit is one that has an acquired taste– and it is divine. After God finished with creating the trees and water next on the agenda was obviously Ginger Nuts. The ginger taste may seem overwhelming at first, especially after eating a few of them, but this is the main appeal of these biscuits. There is an incredible feeling after eating many of these biscuits. You feel as if you are drowning– drowning in the taste of the ginger. You reach a point where you are completely at the whim of the biscuit, obeying its every command. You won’t be able to stop eating them. This biscuit is dangerous for how addictive it is, and for that reason I advise caution to those who want to experience the wonder of Ginger Nuts. Make sure to keep a friend nearby to pull you back to reality, and maybe a glass of water or two, and you’re good to go.
Jaffa Cakes are not biscuits. I know that, don’t worry, I’m not a deluded psychopath. But they are so good (and so highly debated) that it’s nearly impossible to not include them in a list like this. Of course, being ‘pseudo-biscuits’ the Jaffa Cake has a soft bite, which is very different from the norm of this list. But the gentle softness of the bite combined with the strong, colourful flavour really creates a fantastic eating experience. These biscuits are comforting. They tell you that everything is going to be okay. Because when you eat a Jaffa Cake, the world seems to come alive for a while, and that is the wonderful thing about them.
Chocolate Digestives are, from what I can tell, usually considered the best biscuit around town. Because of this, placing them here at number 5 is a risky decision that could potentially ruin my future career prospects. But here we are, we’re doing this. While I don’t agree with the notion that they are the best, I do agree that they taste out of this world. They are the perfect mix of biscuit and chocolate, something that has been experimented with and failed at by biscuit engineers for many years. The chocolate combined with the beauty of the traditional digestive creates an incredibly memorable experience. I fully understand why the other article placed these so highly.
If there were ever a kingdom of biscuits, Chocolate Rounds would no doubt be considered high royalty. These biscuits stretch time and space, all to provide you with a sensation of wonder that is unparalleled by anything else in this world (beside only number 1 and 2). The chocolate, the bite, all of it– it combines together to create, quite frankly, an experience that could be considered the eighth wonder of the world. Though the biscuit sometimes feels like more chocolate than biscuit, I believe that this is not to its detriment. In fact, this is what makes these biscuits so wonderful– it’s a breath of fresh air from many other biscuits.
Shortbread biscuits are a strange biscuit. They deny the typical shape of a circular or rectangular biscuit, and instead opt for a rectangular cuboid shape. This shape is almost evocative of a golden ingot, the kind that is kept inside of a top-security bank’s vault. For good reason too, because the strong sugary burst and immensely enjoyable crunch provides for a golden experience, pun completely intended. If you ever meet someone who does not like shortbread biscuits, you should leave promptly. A good idea might also be to contact government officials, as they might be an alien in disguise. Seriously, though, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who doesn’t like a shortbread biscuit, and when I have, let me tell you, I have not kept them in my life. That’s just how good they are. And they’re still only number three.
Finally, we reach the number 2 spot. Sitting here in this spot are the holy custard cream biscuits, and boy are they good. I would offer my soul for one of these biscuits, and that’s not an exaggeration. These things are like gifts from the gods, sent down to give us puny mortals a taste of what true bliss feels like. They are the light that outshines the darkness of the world, they are almost perfect in every single way. Whenever you’re feeling down, Custard Creams will be there for you. These biscuits have no flaws. Their only flaw is that they only made it to the number two spot, instead of number one. And that’s it.
Placing Digestives into the gilded Number One spot is potentially extremely controversial– and I don’t care, because they are my lifeblood. Generally, people consider the Chocolate Digestive the superior biscuit, but I disagree. The traditional, beautiful, original Digestive is perfect. Sure, the chocolate does add to the biscuit, but it’s a completely different experience.
The blind fool would describe the Digestive as bland and boring– misunderstanding that the subtle taste is one of the Digestive’s strongest qualities. The taste is not overwhelming, allowing you to eat absurd quantities at a time. Once you’ve had one or two, there’s absolutely no stopping. Digestives are the epitome of a moorish snack.
It’s when you’ve had a long and hard day, you come home and sit down. And there, waiting for you, are the digestives. You can indulge in these and completely forget about your worries. I can’t tell you how many times these biscuits have helped me. I love them so much. Too much.
If anything, you could consider Digestives the underdog of the biscuit world, always being shown up by his older brother the Chocolate Digestive– and who doesn’t love an underdog?
Well, that’s it. The Top 10 Biscuits of all time list. Hopefully you have taken something away from this. If there are some on this list you have yet to try out, I highly encourage you to do so, and put my theories to the test, because I can promise you that every word I have said here is 100% accurate, and has been tested and proved by my mouth and stomach, and the mouths of hundreds of thousands of other people around the globe.