It’s an unquestionable fact that biscuits play an incredibly important role in British culture. They act as the perfect accomplice to the morning tea we are known for, and even stand out on their own. Although tea is universally unrivalled in its status as the primary British stereotype, I would argue that the biscuit is a more deserving candidate for that no.1 spot.
Since the Neolithic Era, biscuits are said to have been made in Britain, baked on stones. However, archeological data is unsure what form the cooked grains found would have taken. The next earliest biscuit can be seen with the Romans, which were taken as travellers and soldier’s rations. Compare this to tea, and you’ll find that tea didn’t come to Britain until the early 17th century, when the East India Company began to ship it over. And even then, it was only a luxury for the rich to have. Biscuits have clearly been around for far longer than tea has, which begs the question as to why tea became the top dog.
As you can tell from this info, biscuits are clearly the superior consumable.
So the next logical step would be to create an uncontested, objectively perfect top 10 biscuits list of all time, and to finally crown the best biscuit brand of all time.
Now let me get this straight- I love me a good party ring. If there was ever a list for top 10 party biscuits, they would top the charts, after all, it’s in the name. However, in all my years, I have found that when eating biscuits for leisure, party rings are not my go-to. In fact, I don’t even consider them an option. The reason for their low standing in this top 10 list is purely the fact that they are not something you would snack on during the day. They suit their main purpose, party food, but further than that they’re forgotten and replaced by others.
Personally, I believe that the Oreo deserves a higher spot than number 9 on this list. However, despite the glory of the Oreo, there is a reason that it sits so low. Over the years, my taste for Oreos has waned, and they have slowly sunk lower and lower on my favourites list. A long time ago, they were once the number one biscuit, but now look at them. Look at how far they have fallen. There’s nothing particularly bad about them, all it is is that the biscuits higher on the list outdo it. But still, they hold a dear place in my heart, and my stomach.
One of the redeeming qualities of this biscuit however, is that it is extremely versatile. The flavour of this biscuit has been adapted to various other mediums, from the Oreo McFlurry to Oreo chocolate bars. And still to this day, Oreo flavoured xyz is my go to when it comes to non-biscuit related products, because the taste is just right for those purposes. Perhaps the Oreo was never destined to be a biscuit, but rather something else.
Ah, Wagon Wheels. I could eat a Wagon Wheel any time, any day. Their taste is just perfect, and the size is adequate. Sadly, they lack the ability to be snacked on, being superbly sugary and chocolatey and coming in only packets of one- this last point is their biggest downfall. Despite this, they act as a great treat and have cemented themselves in my top 10 list.
As a young child, Jammie Dodgers were always my go-to. There’s just something about the biscuit and the sweet jam taste that cemented them as a favourite from early on. If you had offered me, or anyone my age for that matter, a tin of biscuits and there was a Jammie dodger on offer you could bet I would be reaching in for it. I imagine that I’m not the only one who felt this way either. Jammie Dodgers are the epitome of the childhood biscuit, second only to the Party Rings.
The Jammie Dodger’s chewy jammy middle is the main event of this biscuit. When you bite into it, the hard biscuit that rings the outside becomes something else entirely. It’s like a two-in-one biscuit, you’ve got the outside ring of ordinary biscuit, and the inner ring of jammie goodness. That taste will never get old- no matter how much I change in life, if only one thing remains the same, it will be my love for that wonderful taste.
The first time I properly tried the Ginger Nuts biscuit was two years ago, and since then they have ascended to the number 6 spot of all time biscuits. Now, you may be asking, how is that possible? Well let me tell you all about the wonderful taste of this biscuit. To anyone new to this biscuit, the ginger taste might come off overwhelming at first. But this is the appeal of the biscuit. There’s a wonderful feeling that emerges when you’ve eaten enough of these. It’s a feeling of being drowned, drowned in ginger. A point where you are completely at the whim of the biscuit, obeying its every command. And you can’t stop eating more and more, it’s dangerously addictive. This one is an oddball, for sure, and has an acquired taste, but with time and persistence this biscuit could very well reach that gilded number one spot.
Kicking off the top 5, we have shortbread biscuits. These biscuits have a heavenly taste, and though they can crumble slightly at the bite, this is overshadowed by the overall quality that they possess. If you don’t like these biscuits, I’m afraid to say that you are severely missing out in life. There’s something about biting into a shortbread biscuit that cannot be described. It is truly an experience, and one which solidifies shortbread biscuits as number 5, in the top 10 of all time.
Chocolate Digestives: The younger brother of the Digestive biscuit. Or, to some, the older brother. These biscuits have all of the wonderful qualities of the Digestive biscuit, but with the added bonus of chocolate. Some would argue that this outdoes the ‘bland’ and ‘ordinary’ Digestive biscuit, with its added flavour. I highly disagree, though the chocolate flavour does add a lot to this biscuit, there is a lot to be said for the original biscuit too. But that’s not what this spot is here to talk about, we’re here to talk about the chocolate counterpart of the Digestive.
Though this biscuit holds itself as number four of all time, which is quite an honour in and of itself, it still does have one major flaw. That being the chocolate itself. Not the flavour, not the consistency- no, these are some of the strong qualities of this biscuit. The problem comes when eating these in a warm environment. When you hold one of these biscuits, the chocolate that teeters at the sides of the biscuit poses the problem of chocolate melting, which in turn gets onto your fingers which are holding onto the biscuit. This is an unfortunate problem, which leads to mess and disappointment. So, if you ever eat one of these biscuits, do it in a cool environment. Oh, and don’t store them in a warm place either. I can’t imagine that ending well.
If you don’t like these biscuits, then there is something severely wrong with your taste buds. Unlike the above chocolate digestives, the chocolate bourbon biscuit overcomes the chocolate melting problem with plenty of grip space for easy eating, far from having to touch the chocolate itself. The chocolate taste of this biscuit is quite unique, and provides a new experience for any who are yet to taste this beauty. It has a similar construction to the oreo biscuit, but in a rectangle shape instead. These biscuits were also a go-to biscuit in my childhood, but unlike the others mentioned which were the same as this, the bourbon biscuit has remained this way. Given the choice these are the ones that I will choose- they’re just that good.
In addition to this, when you bite into this biscuit, they’re small enough that they won’t crumble and get all over the place. This also means that you’ll get more of these in a biscuit packet, and who can say no to that?
Finally, we reach the number 2 spot. Sitting here in this spot are the holy custard cream biscuits, and boy are they good. I would offer my soul for one of these biscuits, and that’s definitely not an exaggeration. These things are like gifts from the gods, sent down to give us puny mortals a taste of what true bliss feels like. They are the light that outshines the darkness of the world, they are almost perfect in every single way. These biscuits have no flaws. Their only flaw is that they only made it to the number two spot, instead of number one. And that’s it.
These biscuits are similar to chocolate bourbons, except they are not chocolatey. In many ways, this makes them far superior. Sure, chocolate is great and all, but custard creams are greater. These are the biscuits that I will consistently choose to eat from the biscuit tin. If there aren’t any of these in the biscuit tin, then I feel my heart sink a little.
One of the most controversial ‘biscuits’ of all time. It sits here in the honourable mentions for the simple fact that it is not a biscuit- not quite, sadly. If it were, it would definitely have made it to the list, you can count on that.
Once again, a controversial take. Tea cakes are a great snack food, but as is with the Jaffa Cakes, it’s hard to say whether or not these are truly biscuits. There seems to be a reoccurring theme with biscuits including ‘cakes’ in their name, maybe that’s saying something… Either way, biscuit or not, these deserve at least a mention on this list, as they have provided young and old a delightful food to eat.
Digestive Biscuits. Putting Digestive biscuits at the number one spot is potentially extremely controversial, but what I say to the nay-sayers is that they are stupendously wrong. Digestives are 100% worthy as the number one biscuit of all time, and you cannot convince me otherwise. They are superior to all other biscuits in every single way.
Let’s begin with their taste. To any poor souls who do not understand the way of the digestives, they may seem like a frankly bland and boring biscuit, with little to no taste whatsoever. However, in my opinion, their taste is one of their strongest qualities. Unlike some other biscuits, the taste of digestives is not overwhelming, this allows for absurd quantities of them to be eaten at any given time. And since the taste is quite subtle, only eating one or two of these biscuits cannot give you enough satisfaction. They are the epitome of a moorish snack. Once you’ve eaten one, you want more and more and more. Though some would argue this is not a good quality for foods to have, I wholeheartedly disagree and will continue to shovel down a whole packet of digestives in less than half an hour. Because it is worth it. It’s all worth it for the digestives.
In addition to their masterful taste, the actual bite into the biscuit is also an important factor that must be considered when analysing the perfection of a biscuit. When you bite into a digestive biscuit, it may crumble a little bit. But fear not, because simply holding your free hand beneath the biscuit can catch any fleeing crumbs, allowing you to savour the subtle crunch of the biscuit, and to enjoy it to its fullest extent. I would say that this is the only flaw of the Digestive biscuit, though it barely affects your enjoyment and experience of the biscuit, and the crumbling itself is not a common occurrence in my experience anyway. The bite itself is something to behold too, as the biscuit is reasonably well held together, providing a satisfying experience.
As well as taste and eating experience, something to be discussed is the packaging. To some novice biscuit eaters, extracting biscuits from a packet might seem hard, but simply pushing in through the gaps of the biscuit pushes it up, allowing for easier access. The Digestive is perfectly shaped for this, as the curvature of the sides allows for fingers to easily slip between the gaps and push up the biscuit without hassle, meaning you have more time to enjoy the biscuit than spend fiddling with the packaging to get to the good stuff.
Digestive biscuits are also quite versatile, and work well as both tea-dipping biscuits and standalone biscuits, so they are able to be enjoyed by a wide variety of people, in a multitude of ways.
If this hasn’t convinced you that digestive biscuits are the greatest biscuits of all time yet, I’m not sure what will. I don’t think anything could at this point, you’re just too far gone. This biscuit is the pinnacle of biscuit engineering, and you can’t convince me otherwise.
Hopefully you have taken something away from this. If there are some on this list you have yet to try out, I highly encourage you to do so, and put my theories to the test, because I can promise you that every word I have said here is 100% accurate, and has been tested and proved by my mouth and stomach, and the mouths of hundreds of thousands of other people around the globe.